Back From Hiatus and A Confession.

May the Fourth be with you and happy free comic book day!

Damn it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I’d like to blame that on school and work, but I know that isn’t much of a legit excuse. Two days ago was my boyfriend’s boyfriend (the big 22!) it was nice to see him after a week. We saw Ironman 3 and had dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings (of course I had the only vegetarian item on the menu).

To be honest, I’ve been feeling really blah about health and fitness lately. I read about fitness and nutrition almost daily but when it comes to actually practicing it I’ve been horrible. I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel happy about myself either. I feel more stressed than anything. My college finals are coming up and while I’d like to blame my extremely poor eating choices on that, it’s been going on since the holiday season. <– No surprise there.

I’ve gained so much weight and it sucks. Remember that disease I told you about?

Well, I have PCOS or polycystic ovarian syndrome. Now and again I’ll cry and be completely angry about my situation. I gain weight SO easily and it’s hard for me to stay motivated to lose the weight I’ve gained when I lose one pound compared to the average person who would lose 3. My boyfriend is more positive than I am saying, “that’s not that bad,” but to me it’s HORRIBLE. I can’t remember the last time I’ve even lost a pound. I’ve tried time and time again and I just can’t seem to take off the fat. I don’t want diabetes!

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve been wearing baggy clothing, eating crap, and barely exercising because… well I really don’t know. I think I care but at the same time I’m so focused on school projects that it’s hard. Damn senior year even though I’m not graduating until Fall 2014 -___-. I tried a calorie counter for about 2 months, but I feel like I actually gained weight. Weird right? I was even eating better than I am now– mostly fruits and veg and of course protein. I’m wondering if I was eating too little or going about it the wrong way according to my disease? I’m still trying to discover a balance. I’ve been doing a whole lotta research. During that time I event cut out sugar completely because of lent (I’m not religious, just do it to challenge myself)… and still no change. I even cut out dairy because believe it or not, I found out I was lactose intolerant (DEFINITELY explains my digestive issues). While my gut feels so so much better than before, I still feel and look like shit (well in my eyes). All in all with my disease, it’s really hard to know what the culprit is.

I’m hoping with this blog, although just a mere electronic diary, I can be motivated by my actions and be held accountable. I got inspiration from an article on bodybuilding.com about a woman who also has PCOS and went from 183 pounds to a healthy, happy woman. She blogger her journey and from it came a spark of encouragement. Here goes nothing.

Now onto the confession. This is probably one of the hardest things I will ever reveal. About 2 months ago, I came out to my boyfriend that I was bulimic. It was the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Growing up, I’d never expect myself to develop an eating disorder. I had been dealing with it about a year and half. I stopped after a while, but upon discovering I had PCOS, I went back into it. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but as of now I’m in recovery.

The one thing that really helped me? Telling my problem to someone that loves me, my boyfriend. He’s the only person that knows but he gives me strength to not purge. Since I’ve told him, I’ve only done it twice– which in two months doesn’t seem like an achievement, but mind you this is coming from a girl who had been doing it up to 6 times a day. I made a promise and I don’t like to break those.

I really do hope I can accept myself one of these days. And soon.

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